WASHINGTON: In White House remarks with the leaders of Armenia and Azerbaijan yesterday, President Trump proudly declared that he singlehandedly stopped a catastrophic World War III between Russia and Ukraine, a conflict that experts say existed entirely in his mind.
The President, who described himself as being “of a certain persuasion,” did not clarify if that persuasion was political, astrological, or based on his favorite McDonald’s order.
He then explained that the Nobel Committee probably wouldn’t award him the Peace Prize due to this mysterious persuasion, despite his recent feat of preventing a war so hypothetical it didn’t even have a start date.
“I think if we didn’t come, Ukraine-Russia would have ended up being a world war, and I stopped that,” Trump said, before praising a “very talented group” of mostly invisible people who helped him heroically stop the imaginary carnage.
Historians note that the conflict he describes was ongoing when he took office, is still ongoing today, and has not been resolved by him in any measurable way. “But sure,” said one analyst, “he solved it.”
The President promised to continue preventing disasters, teasing upcoming projects including stopping Greenland from drifting into Iceland and personally negotiating a treaty between the Pacific Ocean and the Moon.
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