Trump Could Actually Unite America—No, Really, We’re Serious

Look, we all know Donald Trump desperately, achingly, craves being universally adored. Right now, he’s sitting at just under half the country (and that’s generous), but what if (stay with us here) he actually pulled off uniting the whole damn nation?

That’s right: Trump, the Great Unifier.

It sounds nuts, but bear with us.

Imagine the glory, Donald.

The adoration.

You’d literally eclipse George Washington.

Forget Abe Lincoln; nobody would even remember his silly little hat.

Statues would spontaneously sprout up on lawns across America.

Folks would rename their kids “Donald” en masse, even the girls.

You’d become more than a president; you’d be a meme, a folk hero, a goddamn national treasure.

And the key to all this historic glory?

It’s Bernie Freaking Sanders.

Yep, that Bernie.

You know him, you like him; he pisses off Democrats almost as much as you do, so there’s already some common ground.

Bernie hates Big Pharma, and let’s face it, nobody screws the American taxpayer harder than pharmaceutical companies.

They’re practically begging for a Trump-style takedown.

Imagine standing shoulder to shoulder with Bernie as you expand Medicare for All, crank Medicaid up to eleven, and finally obliterate that annoying cap on Social Security.

Seniors would literally worship the ground you walk on.

You’d never buy a Big Mac again; every retirement community would line up to feed you.

Oh, and the LGBTQ+ thing?

Let’s be honest, your people already have gay family and friends; they’re just being oppositionally defiant toddlers about it.

But if you, their Leader, said it was cool, they’d slap rainbow stickers on their lifted trucks faster than you can say, “Make America Fabulous Again.”

Then comes the cherry on top: guns.

When America stops hating itself, everyone can chill out and keep their beloved firearms without panicking over their neighbors.

You’d have a nation of well-armed, relaxed citizens, your very own personal militia of satisfied voters.

We know, it sounds nuts.

But just imagine: Donald J. Trump, beloved by left, right, and center.

It’s the ultimate revenge: becoming so universally adored that even Rachel Maddow and Tucker Carlson have to awkwardly high-five on national television.

You could do it, Donald.

History books would overflow with your name.

You’d finally be as legendary as you’ve always dreamed, maybe even more so.

But hey, no pressure.

It’s only the fate of your eternal legacy on the line.