That was the most ridiculous State of the Union I have ever watched, and it is not close.

Not because a president isn’t allowed to brag. Bragging is basically the opening hymn of American politics. This wasn’t bragging. This was a one-man stage show starring an invisible focus group.

He opens with the usual fireworks: America is “back,” “bigger,” “better,” “richer,” “stronger,” and apparently the “most incredible and exceptional nation ever to exist on the face of the Earth.”

Modest. Grounded. Normal human speaking voice.

Then we get the core argument, which isn’t an argument at all. It’s a chant. Winning, winning, winning. And when the facts start to wobble, he does what he always does: he doesn’t bring out data.

He brings out… People.

Not named people. Not people with jobs and addresses and verifiable stories. Just People. A fog machine with vocal cords.

“Everybody’s up, way up,” he says, like “Everybody” is a certified public accountant with a clipboard. “Nobody can believe what they’re watching,” he adds, because “Nobody” is now the head of the Congressional Budget Office. Then, the masterpiece: “People are asking me, please, please, please, Mr. President, we’re winning too much. We can’t take it anymore.”

I’m sorry, who are these people? Where are they? Are they in the room with us right now? Is the winning too much in the room with us right now?

It’s a whole cast of invisible witnesses, and they all talk exactly like him.

There’s People, there’s Everybody, there’s Nobody, there’s No One, there’s They, there’s Reports, there’s “Somebody,” and my personal favorite, the unnamed “Foreign leaders” he “won’t tell you who.”

That’s not a State of the Union. That’s a séance.

And the amazing part is how these characters do the heavy lifting whenever the speech needs credibility. When the claim is huge, “Everybody knows it.” When the story needs awe, “Nobody can believe it.” When the math gets shaky, “I saw reports.” When the audience might ask for proof, “They say” or “Some of the Democrats are now saying…” Like a magician, he waves one hand and shouts, “LOOK, PEOPLE,” so nobody notices the other hand swapping reality out for a vibe.

We even got the classic bandwagon spell: “Everybody knows it, even the Democrats know it.” This is how you can tell you’re watching propaganda and not leadership. If your point is true, you can prove it. If your point is shaky, you summon Everybody, because Everybody doesn’t require citations.

And when he wants to sound heroic? He doesn’t say “here’s the evidence.” He repeats versions of “nobody thought it was possible” three different times like it’s a certification stamp from the International Bureau of Miracles. He’s not persuading you. He’s pressuring you. He’s trying to make disbelief feel socially embarrassing.

The speech is basically one long Appeal to Anonymous Authority. If you disagree, you’re not wrong. You’re just outnumbered by invisible people who are definitely real, and definitely not just the president narrating his own fan fiction.

By the end, I genuinely wondered if he talks to himself. Not metaphorically. Literally. Like he’s running a roundtable in his head with the same four characters: Everybody (who loves him), Nobody (who doubts him), People (who beg him), and They (who are always cheating, always lying, always “saying it’s racist” because apparently the only reason anyone ever objects to anything is imagination and malice).

If the State of the Union is meant to be a report to the nation, the February 24 address was crystal clear: the administration’s top source is “trust me, bro,” as told to him by People.

And honestly? I would like to meet them.

I have questions.

Starting with: did they also beg him to stop winning, or was that just him texting himself from a second phone?